Disappearing Mother's: A Rant

     So it seems the older I get the more I realize that certain women take Motherhood to a very weird level. The weirdest being that they completely disappear. One minute they're young, beautiful, free, enjoying Mojito's at 2pm with friends, shopping spree's, letting creativity flow by doing things they love - just being who they were born to be, really. Then they meet some man. I've watched it happen over and over with the women I know. Not to sound like I hate men but, really, they do nothing but upset the female race it seems like.
     My two best friend's are a prime example with men. One minute they have a personality. Then they meet said man & over the course of months, weeks, years, their personality dissolves and they become someone else. Someone more attuned to him and his likes and dislikes. The man, of course, shows no remorse or even gives thought to the fact that the reason she "isn't the woman he married" is because he made her that way. Then they decide to procreate.
     Once the children start coming - they just seem to sort of disappear altogether. What little fragments of themselves remain evanesce into the ether to seemingly never be found again.
     WHY? For years I asked myself this question. Why do they just give up on themselves? Some of them claim that it's "Life made Luminous" or "The best thing that ever happened to them" or that it makes them "selfless/not selfish" but I don't buy that shit. Since when was getting a pedicure after a hard week at work being selfish? Or having your hair done so you feel at your best? After all, if you can afford to pamper yourself, fucking DO IT. When did buying yourself new undergarments that actually fit and weren't falling apart considered to be so horrible? I'll tell you.
     While I was growing up my mother was always the victim, the martyr, the one who had to "go without." She never let us forget that she would regularly choose to go without in order that we have more. & it was STUPID. We could have easily afforded that new bra to replace the one that was so worn down that it looked like two bandages held together by some string. Or a new blouse she had wanted. It was usually from the sale rack anyways! It wasn't like we were so destitute that we were hand making our own clothes from rags.
     I think, still to this day, that she enjoys being the martyr. I really do. I don't know why. I prefer to take care of myself and pamper myself rather than play some sick twisted martyrdom game with my family. Why? Because I value myself. I didn't always. There was a time where my self-esteem had become so damn low that I played the victim with my nephews because I didn't know what else to do. Plus they were kind of dropped into my life by parent's who had addiction issues.
     My theory is this: If a woman lets herself be lost in the relationships around her - then she's going to completely lose herself eventually. (Duh) People will keep using her up because it's human nature. How are you going to be a decent wife if you're just a ghost? Or a mother? You play the victim card so other's buy you things so you don't have to force yourself to have enough self esteem to buy them for yourself. How messed up is that? How messed up are you?
    This blog post is kind of out there and rambly, but hopefully you get my drift. Don't lose yourself in a man and children to the point that you forget who you are. If you do - then it wasn't worth it. Not for you. Not for your husband. Not for your children. All of you deserve better.

4 Myths of Living Child-Free

Myth #1: People Who Live Child-Free Are Selfish!

Truthfully: YES, some of us are totally selfish! Just like some parents are totally selfish. Just like some children are selfish. Just like some Christians are selfish. Just like some Jews/Atheists/Black People/Mexicans/Brits/Germans are selfish. You gettin' where I'm goin' yet? I sure hope you are. People are selfish for many, many reasons and are from many, many walks of life. My deciding to NOT breed/procreate/pop out a human is not why I'm selfish. In fact - my selfishness is a great reason for me to NEVER have children. It's the cause, not the byproduct. I am selfish in a shit ton of ways. Let's take a look at said reasons, shall we?

• I'm an insomniac and prefer to follow MY sleep schedule than anyone else's! This includes my fiancé's!
• Since helping to raise 4 nephews - I DO NOT EVER WANT TO DO IT AGAIN. I have better things to do. I quickly realized that some people need to have kids to make them better humans, I am not one of those people. I've "been there, done that."
• I want to be able to travel on a whim.
• I can't stand people invading my private time. My private time is MY private time. If a kid was banging on my door fifty times a day, I'd be super shitty.
• I don't like to cater to anyone else. I cater to myself.
• My fiancé and his special needs is more than enough "caring for" for my tastes. He has Sensory Processing Disorder and Bipolar Disorder. I am not going to give up the rest of my freedom to an infant.
• I love to drink margarita's at any time of day. When you have kids, drinking is primarily looked down upon in general. Let alone a blueberry margarita at 10am. Fuck. That.
• I like to party/hang out with my friends. Drinking, hanging out until all hours of the day or night, dinner parties, clubs, etc.
• I have Mental Illness issues. I would never plop out a human due to the chances of him/her having Bipolar Disorder. Not ever.

Myth #2: People Who Are Child-Free Have Empty, Unfulfilled Lives!


Truthfully: My life is not empty at all! My life was emptier when I had four nephews living with me than any other time in my life. They themselves didn't make my life empty - on the contrary they made my life quite luminous and lovely at times. It was their constant needs that made my life empty. I had no time for anyone or anything else in my life. Now, granted, part of my life was empty because I had depression so badly and chronic feelings of emptiness comes with that. However, when you have no life, no time for yourself or friends, no identity - you become very vacant, indeed. I became a mindless drone to the needs and wants of my nephews. I had no choice.
(DISCLAIMER: I do not blame them for being needy. They are children and children do that. I blame their parents, fully, completely, and wholeheartedly. One was a crack addict and one was an alcoholic with a history of abusive behavior. Bringing one child into the world would have been selfish for them - but four? ... that's cruelty.)
    But I digress! My life is far richer, fuller and more luminous than the days when I had children. You know why? It's because I control my own life, now. (I told you I was selfish) It's no longer controlled by the needs of another human. I get up when my body says, go to bed when my body says, make breakfast if I feel like it, put off doing the washing up if I don't, I go to the gym, go to see friends', go to movies, the museum, take photographs of a particularly gorgeous sunset, dance in the rain and most of all - LOVE my fiancé to death. I am so happy with him it's insane. He is my best friend and I love it. I cannot wait to marry him soon.


Myth #3: People Who Are Child-Free Have A Carefree Life!


Truthfully: WRONG. I have a fiancé whom I adore and like to spend time with, a mother who has had a nervous breakdown from raising four kids, a dad with all sorts of health problems, elderly grandparents who like to see me, friends with their own sets of wants from me, other family who have expectations of me, chores to get done, errands to run and general living to do. The only thing that makes me more carefree than when I had kids around is that there ARE NO kids around. I have plenty of cares in this world. I just don't have kids in tow. I really don't have much to say about this one because, duh, it's a stupid notion.


Myth #4: Women Who Are Child-Free Constantly Dream of Having Babies!


Truthfully: This HAS to be the deluded notion of some SAHM who drinks far too much wine! I have raised four kids for almost ten years. Four kids times ten years is forty years. I have raised a human if not two (depending on how you split the years) for an entire lifetime. What the actual fuck?
     I dream of going to France and seeing the Eiffel Tower, going to Italy once I've mastered the language, visiting Japan and seeing Cherry Blossoms in the Spring, learning multiple languages, vacationing with my fiancé, enjoying sunsets and bottles of wine with friends, having enough time to relax and soak in bubble baths, reading a million books and writing a few myself, buying a new home and decorating it to MY tastes and not the needs of an infant, buying a new car and never having to worry that vomit or dirty shoes will stain it, having as many cats as I want and just generally LIVING. Nowhere in all of my dreams do children come into play.
     Some women, like my best friend, are cut out for children. It is literally ALL they have wanted to do. She wanted a career, a husband (which she'll have soon) and three or four kids. That's pretty much it. She wanted the whole shebang, 100%. She babysat kids for years, loved every minute of it and decided it needed to be part of her life. I was never that way. I am the "cool" aunt.
     I am the person you can call up at a moment's notice, saying "Hey, my friend is in the hospital, can I leave the kids with you for a few hours while I go visiting?" and I say, "Sure, I'll bring popcorn over and some videos!" THAT is who I am. Not the boring, ol' mom. I am the free-living relative/friend/etc. that your kids will really love and I will really love them back. I enjoy giving money to Feed the Children. I do not enjoy the thought of having my own children, I enjoy the thought of helping the world with the massive amounts of children that are already present. With all of the broken, needy, starving, homeless children out there - it would be ultimately selfish of me to produce more children when I have so many things I could do instead. But that is just MY point of view. I do not dream of babies. I dream of changing the world.

Please Put Your Tits Away!

     So, I'm not one of those feminists. You know, the ones who cheer on the breastfeeding-in-public mothers... yeah - not me. I personally have NO desire to see your tits on display. I don't care if your baby is hungry. You do not need to flop yourself out in the open. Please, do it somewhere else! Lots of places these days have a breast-feeding room. Although, while I'm not opposed to these rooms, I have NO clue why you can't just pump your breasts at home and then bring bottles with you OR do it in the privacy of the restroom in a stall. I don't want you smiling your "isn't this the best thing you've ever seen?" smile at me while I'm washing my hands with second rate liquid soap. NO, it isn't! I'm also sick of seeing the arguments stating that restrooms are filthy and germy. If you can strip your baby naked on some plastic, drop down changer from the 90's with a koala on it, I have no idea why you can't breastfeed in there, too.
     I don't care about your organic-feminist viewpoints on why breastfeeding is natural, healthy, should be un-sexualized, etc. What I care about is not having to see your boobs flapping in the breeze while I'm trying to do normal things. Like shop. Eat. Air up my tires. You feel me? The fact that you support public breast-feeding does NOT make you a Super-Feminist. It makes you a crunchy, granola mom. You are more like a backwards, 1950's genre SAHM who got a little bit of feminism up her hoo-ha and decided to show the world. Basically, you're an attention whore. Oh, and puh-leez stop getting so damn bitchy about people feeling uncomfortable about seeing your tits. You've had a baby. Those suckers have swollen and dropped like water balloons with their fat, blue veins. YUCK. People are uncomfortable because it's disgusting.
     I'm also oh-so-sick of the argument that it's "natural." Yes, it's totally natural. Every animal on the planet let's their child breast feed. BUT - most of them prefer to have some privacy while they do it. I have never once seen an animal breast feed right out in the open. Granted, most of the time it's because they're hiding their babies from prey - but then again - there's always gonna be that one perv in the place you're breastfeeding who is oogling you. So, maybe you should take some tips from the animal kingdom, huh? And also - it's as natural as taking a piss - but you don't see me dropping my pants and doing it right in the aisle of Wal-Mart do you? No. You don't. I have a little more respect and consideration for my fellow human than that. So, please, have some consideration!